I Didn’t Know I Hated Hiding Until I Stopped.

No Chump Hump-Day #1

March 15th 2017

Greetings, champs!

I love when Wednesdays rolls around because I think of them as my second Monday. I have this thing I call “S. o. H. D. A,” I pronounce it like soda. It stands for Spirit of Hump-Day Action. In the middle of my week I do something extra around the house. I am living with some family, at the moment. This is one way I remind myself of my resolution to practice service. On with some pollen gathering stories!

Tonight, I’m going to talk about stepping out from where I was hiding.

I almost don’t want to talk about when I used to think nearly everything was out of my reach – more accurately, not worth the effort. I was in a dark place. I had my reasons but only excuses for staying there as long as I did and, inadvertently, pulling people in to join me. It was hard to see that my energy could be better spent. It felt like it wasn’t possible to be doing anything any differently.. and everything hurt. I’m sure that sounds familiar to a lot of people who have struggled with mental illness or experienced true grief. I was there for years and I’m young, so that’s too big a slice of my life for me to stand by anymore.

I like when characters in movies curl a loose fist with their thumbnails facing up and place them on the underside of other character’s chins to lift them up to meet eyes. That’s the image I have in my head when I have to guide my thoughts away from the path, more traveled, that leads back to that dark place that I had become too complacent with; comfortable in. It’s pretty intense getting to know myself after such a long time of being, ridiculously, reticent. I had no real reason to be, other than having resentment and bitterness because I had gotten hurt.

The extra push I needed to breed hope came from my amateur adviser when I moved out here to Washington. I was surprised by the reaction I had to sobering up, entirely. To do so was as intentional as it wasn’t – someone pointed out to me, once, that they thought I had subconsciously thrown myself in rehab. That observation knocked the wind out of me later when I realized they were probably right. I’d had tendencies to drink myself into believing that permanent solutions were the best and only options – good move, subconscious!

Now that I understand my feelings more, I’ve been learning to show myself patience and compassion. Even on the sh*t days I can find things to be grateful for and be proud of. It can prove difficult, at times, but it’s well worth it.

I can change if I’m willing to work for it.

Huh, writing that took me for a ride. I brought a few things to my own attention – love that doing that! This entry went an entirely different direction than I had expected but I love the unexpected. This small gush is all the more intimate since it wasn’t planned. Well, I have to get some rest so I can attack Thursday, tomorrow.

*with all my honey*

-Elaine

 

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