Days Like These Have Me Smiling Through Tears

No-Blues Tuesday #2

I slept in this morning and missed my chance to blog in the a.m. However,I found a natural topic of conversation – thanks to a perfect mistake.

I had a rough morning at work. I broke down, actually. I had done something wrong the day before and it was there waiting to confront me when I got there. On top of that, I think I hadn’t been letting some emotions make their way to the surface, unintentionally. I’ve been focusing so hard on keeping positive that I have been putting off checking in with myself – “How are you handling this? Is it overwhelming? Maybe you need a good cry? What do you need right now? What do you want? How can I help you?” Being grounded has so much to do with balance. Balance, I’m learning, is f*cking hard.

Sharing small daily tribulations and how I have been learning to overcome them is important to me. It took a long time to admit – to really admit – to myself that I needed to change. Now, that I have been making those changes, there is a struggle to acknowledge when I am doing well.

Time and time again, I will tell you(whoever you are) I aim to be honest.

I was sobbing in front of my bosses(for the record: they are wonderful bosses), trying my hardest not to start hyperventilating. After recuperating I came back inside from smoker’s corner and kicked ass the rest of the day. While I was outside shaking things off I could feel those negative thoughts start to creep in. Makes sense, too, for years I gave in to them all the time. It had become reflex. Today, I remembered that those thoughts were the fleeting ones. The ones that aren’t part of the person I’ve been working so hard to become. I always have a choice to replace them with ones that accomplish something.

Vision: it’s been a focus of mine for a couple of weeks. Getting into the mind set of knowing what I want, what it looks like, how it’s going to feel and how to get there.

A few months ago – a morning like today’s – would have broke me for the entire remainder week, most likely. As intense as it was for me.. it only lasted as long as I let it and I’m proud to say it wasn’t for much longer than what was necessary.

I worry that the content of 5 Miles from the Hive will come across as seeking approval.

The only person I seek the approval of is me – my true self. The person that started this to hopefully connect with people in a way that the internet allows for – simple, intimate and honest without even needing to hear my voice.

Let my tiny victories parallel yours and help you feel less alone and more capable.

We’re all in the thick of it, one way or another.

*with all my honey*

-Elaine

 

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