Dreams I Didn’t Wish For, Knowingly.

Attack Thursday #3

Greetings warriors!

It’s another Thursday and the mood I wake up with is – attack this shit.

Some plans for this evening fell through but that’s cool. I can be home for when we accept another member into the household, for a while. Company of others is extremely valuable to me so I’m looking forward to it. I think they’re even around my age. It’s an opportunity to, potentially, strengthen my perspective.

At work, I’m being given more trust and space to prove I’m capable of conquering tasks without micro-management. That makes me a bit nervous but more hopeful that I can satisfy  my bosses and show them I was a good person to hire.

Honestly, though, something has been weighing on my mind. It has to do with a person I hurt really badly over six months ago. I, briefly, heard from them recently. It shook me up but not in the moment. It was a pleasant surprise that they would reach out, at all. I have been thinking of them and they’re showing up in my dreams. I am always torn when I wake up about whether or not it’s concerning that they’re popping up in my subconscious so often. It saddens me and also feeds an even more vulnerable side that’s delighted to get to interact with them, even in my own head.

I won’t keep dwelling on that. It isn’t good for me. I’m trying to move on.

I’m getting closer to the freedoms of having a car and license. That’s something I look forward to a lot. I’ve been lonely and in a constant state of succumbing to cabin fever. A real weapon against that will be the ability to get out whenever I feel I need it. My first summer as a licensed driver will likely be the summer of small, frequent road trips around The Pacific Northwest. I hope to drag some old Idaho friends out to Oregon and Washington State to visit me.

Things, day to day, feel like they’re moving at a glacial pace but I know I’m going faster than I have in a long time.  I remind myself to look out side windows and see blurs of color. I’m getting used to the movement and I can’t describe how incredible that feeling is. I was sitting, a year ago, in a dark corner somewhere convinced that I was living my life when I was letting it pass me by. I try not to look back with regret and resentment. The things that happened are final and what’s in front of me is infinite. The idea of possibility is positive, again. How silly is it to see possibility as something to be afraid of?

This month is all about regaining focus and reassessing my goals.

I’m so grateful and glad to be where I am. Exactly where I am.

*with all my honey*

-Elaine

 

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